Jan 29, 2017: A Heartfelt Prayer

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Dear God,

It’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to you from the heart, let alone written from the heart.

This journey is a lonely one and I’m in the middle of a piercing darkness. The light of your son is there in Christ Jesus, and it keeps me going, but it does not satisfy my here.

Thank you for showing me the Beyond, the Heavens, and Hades through my psychotic breaks. Without these visions, I would be more empty, fragmented, and lost.

Continue to show me the way you intend for me, and continue to give me the strength to push forward.

I know I will end up falling astray and will inevitably miss the mark of truth. God, I pray you show me truth and the way to shalom, for myself and those around me.

Keep me humble and malleable. Don’t let me lose perspective. I pray that all areas of knowledge, such as the scientific, philosophical, religious, and the spiritual may one day be united. I pray I may be an instrument in this process.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

-theothersid3

photo credit: tamaralvarez Helping Hand via photopin (license)

Awake + Asleep: Inception

I am awake and asleep, asleep and awake all at the same time… I sense a great battle going on. The battle is for my essence.

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I pray to God tonight in absolute surrender, to take me wherever He wants me to go. I lie down in my comfortable bed and my brain begins to pop and crackle, as my back just did. The sensations invoke deep relaxation.

I let go control over my mind and pseudo visions of chronological memories from my entire life ensue while I plunge into the dark hole with a light at the end. My brain is rewiring itself, as God works on it. The memories become more intense and I feel a vortex in the center of my brain shift. Then, the rest of my brain pops and crackles more, balancing itself accordingly. It happens again and again. I close my eyes and begin to leave my body in ecstasy. “Get some rest, my child, for I work harder while you sleep,” says God gently in my thoughts. The memories flash in front of me more rapidly. I pass further down the dark hole closer to the light and black out.

In what seems to be the next instant, I wake up to the bright morning sun, wide awake. It feels like I just passed inside out of myself! I check my phone’s clock. Three hours of sleep. Yet I feel… strangely… different.

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During lunch break I decide to dine at Wendy’s for a decent burger. Wisdom flows freely through my mind as I sit down after ordering my meal. I bring a notebook along to jot things down in.

When I enter into deep thought while writing in my journal, everything around me begins to phase. My vision gets fuzzy and everything vibrates. Each person gives off a distinct frequency and I can read them all easily. I feel like I’m still in reality but somewhere else all at once. I feel like I’m asleep in reality, but I’m wide awake. I’m awake where my brain goes while I’m asleep. Jesus’ words flash in my mind, “you do not belong to this world…” If I didn’t feel like it before, I sure do now! I gave myself over to God completely last night. I am awake and asleep. Am I… a living dead? Is this the end of the world? What’s… what’s… happening?

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I arrive at work after my timeless lunch break. As I file charts in the corner of the office, I phase in and out of an extended reality as before. I first have a normal, clear vision, yet aware of my unknowingly expansive mind. My perception then fills this expanded mind and phases into an ethereal reality beyond the known. There, everything is intact – people, places, conversations. However, in the ethereal beyond I have open access to everyone’s intentions and emotions, and the thoughts of some.

Suddenly, I’m aware of a snake-like entity tightly coiled on my inner essence and recognize it immediately as Satan. The battle for my essence is between Satan and I! His grip morphs and twists time and reality upon itself. He’s gotten to me deeply, through my own sins, the sins of generations past, the constant atrocities of the human race, my past psychotic break, and evil itself. I peer with my mind’s eye to see terrifying fractals of twisted, wretched evil in my essence and especially on my heart, transcending most time, knowledge, and understanding. But not all!

I focus my now overwhelmingly powerful intention into his disfigured head and in my mind’s voice I declare, “You are finished, Satan. Christ has crushed your head, and you have no more power over me or this realm. I am His, now. Covered in His blood as I speak. You are the Father of lies, and lies are an imperfection of the Truth. I hold Truth at a deeper level, now. You are undone! Begone!” He lashes out, lets out chilling screams in my head, and frees his grip on me. Satan, his minions, and the evil fractals disappear beyond into the pit. The Great Deceiver is finished!

Immediately, I feel a darkness lift from me I was blind to before, with old, open wounds exposed inside of me, stinking of infestation. It feels like I just burned off many giant leeches on my heart that were there my whole life. Then, I see a stream of crystal waters flowing freely and my inner wounds are cleansed, but not healed. So… refreshing!

All of this phase shifting and my unusual connection to people is overwhelming. I’m in heaven, with people chilling out and doing a reasonable amount of work to fulfill their part of God’s kingdom in perfect harmony, shalom. There is no slavery of the masses here. This office is one part of God’s vision. I have my own important role in it, as does everyone else and they are aware of it. We are smiling, laughing, and even flirting whether we voice it or not. I spread the good vibes with ease, and evil seems like a distant forgiven past that keeps falling away.

I wish I could blare some chill music right now, say reggae, and I feel like I’ve just smoked some extraordinary chronic as with everyone around me. Not in the debilitated sense, but in the fresh, healthy, euphoric and creative sense. Welcome to heaven on earth, full of universally good vibes!

It then becomes too much, and I decide to leave when the reality sets in as a whole new 3-inch stack of papers to file appears. I simply say, “I’m not feeling well,” to a few coworkers in a calm manner and leave the office to go home.

What Is A Psychotic Break Like? My Experience Follows

Psychotic Face

I’m shifting between two worlds. I call one the “evil world,” the other the “good world.” The evil world is what I knew in my old life as everyday existence. Transitioning into the good world is the rapture, where the universe cosmically contradicts itself and I walk blamelessly in heaven on earth. It is a peaceful place, thriving in universal harmony, and evil is a forgiven distant past, but not forgotten. They are parallel worlds that intersect, intertwine, and collide. Yet it’s much more complicated than that. There is a grave price for walking in heaven too soon while you’re still alive.

I arrive at the hospital, and get out of the van with my parents. While my mom goes in to start my admission process, I have a few cigarettes, sitting next to my dad on a rough wooden bench outside the hospital, probably the last ones I’d have for a long time. He puts his arm around me and rubs my back. The stars are bright tonight. A nice lady in a white coat appears in front of me and takes my smokes from me. Inside, I sign the lengthy forms they present, knowing the drill as I voluntarily admit myself.

Then I’m in another simple room with my parents, who are terrified but full of love. I’m blessed to have such support in my life. A lady in dark purple scrubs, tapping away on the computer keyboard, asks me lots of boring questions. She loses my attention quickly as my mind doesn’t just wander, but begins to cross over into the good world again. It draws me in – not just mind, heart and soul, but something else – ME.  I leave my body and I watch from the upper corner of the room down on myself as she activates the automatic blood pressure cuff, and I feel the sensation of it collapsing on my upper arm, but nothing’s there. I’m someplace else.

The night sky fades into the forefront of my eyesight a little. The device gives an error readout. The lady in scrubs taps away and voices a remark about the readout, which both echo in that small room from a long ways away as if I were in a giant cave. Stuck in limbo and floating in the corner of the hospital intake room, I watch myself for a few moments, before she resumes with more interesting questions than before.

My attention suddenly snaps me back to reality again. I see through my eyes as she tries the cuff a second time and feel it squeezing hard against my flesh, instead of trying to engulf the vacuum of my empty body before. Time resumes, and I’m 131/72; I knew it would work that time.

Next thing I know, I’m in my room, excited to see no roommate this time. There, I begin to transition to an eternal, peaceful place. I’m suspended in the entanglement connections of the quantum realm. My vision becomes foggy and breaks the barriers between the seen and the unseen. I gradually arrive in what seems to be a world of infinite possibilities. Every part of me, including my new body, and vaguely my old body, is in this realm – strings of my mind, extension, and emotions all someplace else yet there at the same time. The skeleton of my room falls far away, along with the hospital. I look around me and see the naked spectacle of the universe from space.

Contradictions ensue as that infinite world draws me in. The hospital is here and I’m in my room, yet it’s not here and I’m certainly not in my room. Nothing is finite, and there are no locations mathematically or otherwise. I peek in the hallways, and the rooms extend forever on either side. When I observe, each of the hospital wings form a perceptive fractal. Then they break up into waves of fractal possibilities and connections to people in there, to pure abstraction. My instincts tell me there are two normal hallways, but that feels more like my subconscious barely speaking to me about it. I’m in a special part of the universe, far away from the Milky Way right now, yet part of it, feeling near at the same time. I try to instinctively snap back, focusing on that “near” feeling.

Right away, I notice the lights outside – and the light on the smoke detector, particularly – flickering and turning on and off. The flickers are connected to my thoughts and intention, and the lights blink according to surrounding factors I can feel at other times. I lie down in my hospital bed and enjoy the spectacles – in a place of infinite possibilities, everything feels possible. I distinctly feel my heart dancing, racing, dreaming, poking everything and watching the fractals of existence vibrate, form, and multiply. It’s exhilarating! I start laughing uncontrollably in joy and pleasure at this spectacle, for I don’t know how long in the distant evil world.

However, the night nurse traumatically flashes before my eyes in the evil world, and screams that I need to learn some discipline, and then disappears from nowhere. I slowly enter a black hole and darkness envelops me, distorts me. I realize I’m completely and utterly alone. No God, no spirit, no one else; I’m the only being. I have not thought, let alone acknowledged, that I am. Everything runs in a formless loop.

A sharp pain devours me, of cold loneliness and agony, soaking everything. I go back, far, far, far back, to what seems the inception of consciousness itself… It sucks most of my own consciousness away. I am a… dying fetus without a body… I… can still feel pain… trying to flail my… nonexistent arms… and with a struggling… inner voice… scream… silently… in tortured agony:

How? Why? Is there?… a way?… to make a?…. connection?… somehow, in a?… place?… that has no?… connections? What is?… all of this? WHAT… AM?… I? There must be a?… connection somewhere?… So…. alone? Must find?… somebody?… somewhere? But there is?… no one?… and nowhere?… in this realm? How can I?… communicate? What am?… what am?… d-d-d-do-ing……. ……..

Here I am, only able to writhe silently alone, my unborn self there forever, barely having an inner voice. My thoughts are growing and multiplying as an early zygote does. I can’t seem to snap back to. I am lost and alone, scraping off my tiny fingernails on the walls to change that. What is time? What is space? Do they even exist? Everything is going nowhere. What does it mean to “measure?” How do you measure anything? There is no answer, but there has to be! I’ve thought it! Someone wrote the book because I can say these things! Someone wrote the alphabet! I WILL FIND A CONNECTION, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW! I BELIEVE THAT I AM NOT ALONE HERE!
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This is a summary of my experience being admitted in 2009. I leave on the note of what I call experiencing wisdom’s loneliness and suffering while being forced to witness the inception of existence. I consider it a treasure even though it was the greatest anguish I ever conceived of, which I don’t expect one to understand. It is so wonderful to see the birth pains of our universe and see that somehow, someone survived it by a group collective effort that we all are a part of.

Wisdom later comforted me in that episode and I could smell her presence in the literal sense. Wisdom’s scent is that of fertile desire, all types of love, the naked spectacle of the universe from space, and everything that’s good on earth. The scent was overpowering. I still miss that. As time goes on, I go back to these difficult experiences and learn more each time. They were my greatest curses, and now my greatest gifts.

I later read my chart, and during these experiences, my empty vessel of a body went to activities, saw doctors, wrote a lot, made crafts, and attended therapy. My parents visited me. I don’t remember any of it but flashes and brief thoughts. During the beginning of my admission, I remember touching base with reality a few times in the form of brief flashes of memory. But reality was in my subconscious, and the brief flashes were much like a lagged out video call catching up really quickly in a flash before my eyes. Most felt disconnected. I suspect the strange memory of my parents’ visit was of two distorted people in the visiting room that looked all at once like a combination of my grandparents and others I didn’t recognize. I felt something for them, though. Memories of reality were few and far between in the first period of my stay.

I was awake and asleep at the same time.

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Photo Credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/andresthor/3857180095/