The New Beginning

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I became married to my beautiful wife a few months ago. The all-encompassing, loving force she has on my naked self is stronger than gravity. I mean my dreams, my mind-heart, my spirit, my soul, my strength.

There have been many shifts in me since I met her. She helps me see the path to my dreams more clearly, we quench our thirsty mind-hearts together, she provides joy to my spirit, invites God into our lives and relationship, and takes care of me to keep my strength up.

Bipolar I is now a small burden to deal with. Instead, life is sprouting from those decomposed wounds of the past, and bipolar now acts as an inspiration of many great potentials. Inspirations in my daily life, my worldview, and my outlook for the rest of my life.

My wife and I have committed to write the books of our lives together till death do us part. If there is a way to follow her into the dark, I will without a doubt.

With each other, we can proceed to the next contexts of life and enjoy each moment. Together.

-theothersid3

 

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Seven Haikus for my Wife

White Licking Flames

 

Where we’ve been; when we met.

 

High, wide, deep faulter.

For love is within, from One.

Agape, forged strong.

 

No sun. No moon. Pain –

fans the flames of your heart’s forge.

Dark flames fueled by dust.

 

The dust turns mad; A

surge of madness fuels dark flames,

rotting my heart’s flesh

 

Ignorance was light;

But the Anesthesia of

Denial – is gone.

 

Numbs our hearts no more.

Our minds race, hearts infected,

roasting on dark flames.

 

We get up, move on.

Unrequited love shadows

the aligning stars.

 

As a thief love came,

requited mind-hearts ablaze;

White flames lick ours both.

 

-theothersid3

 

 

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Agape


My Love,

Before I go to bed, I want to recognize something about you I’m thankful for and say a little about how much you mean to me…
You lead by example and it inspires me… Especially how you support my dreams and the other things like doing dishes. It makes me want to keep going and do better for myself and you and others.
You are everything I want in a life partner… And I would not be surprised if this continues after death. We dance together on the same wavelength. It’s quite a miracle in the making by God himself.
“Agape”
Know now, agape,

Not even death can take you…

Our love shall live on.
Love,

-theothersid3

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Life’s Changes Since We Met

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A lot has shifted in me since I met her seven to eight months ago.

Instead of the ever painful “where is she?” I constantly asked myself in the past, it turned into “This person is right in front of me… I more than love her to death, and her me.” That, right there, changes a man. I am loved completely like that and know I love her just as much.

I can tell you there are ways that are very basic that it changes me, as well as ways I do not yet understand.

This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

“Mutual Lovers”

Deep in the darkness,

Demons rode our shoulders; Now

possessing God’s Light

God’s Light is frying our demons of the past. All of what we went through was worth it for a future with each other. God has turned a lot of darkness into light in our lives through each other. We found each other in the dark. Thank you, God.

-theothersid3

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Have Faith in Yourself

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One may expect nothing good coming from completely losing one’s mind to madness, and dealing with the aftermath. I often heard the cliches about how I would be a stronger person as a result and I would learn so much through these experiences. However, looking back, those words of encouragement only spoke of the beginning of what I gained resulting from embarking on the recovery process.

I did a little bit of reflecting in my journal this evening about what I have lost and gained over the past fourteen years, since I was diagnosed with bipolar I following a psychotic break.

Here’s a small list of profound losses I experienced within the past fourteen years:

  • My physical health and good looks
  • My religion, which was a foundation of my life
  • My spirituality
  • My sense of identity
  • My sharp intellect and ability to learn new things went into remission
  • At a couple points, I lost my mind completely
  • My ability to adequately care for myself and my environment

I still struggle hard with my physical health and my ability to adequately care for myself. However, in the past fourteen years, I’ve regained much about the other items on the list.

So, not only have I gained back most of the above list of losses, I’ve found the following:

  • I’ve broken free from the institution of religion
  • I’ve broken the generational cycle of madness
  • I understand family and friends better
  • I’ve learned who I am and what I need to explore about myself
  • I’ve embarked on the road to recovery from severe verbal abuse and isolation growing up
  • I’ve discovered some things never go away, such as my analytic mind
  • I’ve confirmed my passion for writing
  • I’ve found wisdom and a new way of seeing the world
  • I can explore a rich spiritual identity and experiences

During recovery, there are seasons and there are trends. It was pitch black for many years of my life. I had therapy nearly every week for 9 months after my first episode, often focusing on the reasons why I shouldn’t commit suicide. All seasons of recovery present their challenges. Over time, the light becomes brighter, and during the seasons, this light will fluctuate.

However, just know that the deeper my pain, the deeper my loss, the more constitutive my loss… the deeper character I gain, the more I find, and the more cohesive I become as a result of these experiences. I’ve reached a point where I have become someone that is beyond my wildest dreams or imaginations, compared to fourteen years ago.

I’m at a brightly blossoming point in my road to recovery. I still have a ways to go, but I’m making progress faster than I have ever before. The truth is… those cliche encouragements did help a little bit when I took them in good faith. The darker the valley, the harder it is to climb out and the longer it takes to climb out. I had faith in myself that I could get through when I was unable to call on God for help and no one could be there for me.

One thing is always true: have faith in yourself. No matter how bad it is, you can overcome.

-theothersid3

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