About

I am a man in my late twenties, who has bipolar I. My official diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, because two of my manic episodes were so severe. With pen and paper, my hope is to reduce the stigma attached to all mental illnesses, especially bipolar. For now, I shall remain anonymous, with the intention of some day taking public ownership over my site. I have been mostly stable for about 4 years, now. As time goes on, it has gradually gotten better. I’m at a point where I can manage my bipolar as though it’s second nature to me and I can cope with the help of my support system if something happens. I’m also working on reducing my medications with my doctor’s blessing in favor of bringing out the creative side of my writing as that happens.

It was certainly not always like this, however. I’m living a fairy tale now compared to when I was first diagnosed at 17. The manic episode brought me to a psychotic break from reality and I had no idea what was going on. It scarred me, and left me feeling, in retrospect, that I was 17 years old for about 5 years afterwards before I began to move on. I will never forget the agony of experiencing all those thoughts, wondering who I was and what this bipolar thing was. The medications helped make the thoughts stop, but to the point where I could not even tell you at some points what was going on in my head because I was numb. I was running on a hamster wheel for those five or six years, not really getting very far. However, I did start to learn that I was not bipolar, and that I HAD bipolar instead.

Then my second episode happened, which came as a result of me stopping my medications for over 2 months. It was a more pleasant experience than the first one, and whether my mind was doing what it had to do or if God’s hand was involved, it helped me resolve my first break and I moved on in life shortly afterwards. With the help of therapy, medications, friends, family, and taking good care of myself, I have reached where I am at today.

I intend to write a book about these two most difficult experiences I’ve faced, my two manic episodes from 2003 and 2009. Not only are they interesting, I hope to publicize some insights into what happens in the mind as a person experiences psychosis. I will also write another book on my journey to recovery, to help break down the isolation and barriers for those who experience mental illness and their loved ones. Thank you for stopping by, and I trust I may have been a blessing in some way to you!

4 thoughts on “About”

  1. Thanks for sharing this! Your blog is a good read!

    To share a little bit: I was diagnosed 2yrs ago after a psychotic break (you are not the only one :). I initially started off in denial that I had bipolar and refused to take any medication. Alas, 2 months later I was hospitalized again. It was the 2nd hospitalization that really hit me hard and helped me to come to the realization that I needed help and that I have an illness. I am now very diligent in keeping my ‘pet monster’ at bay, as I like to call it, and am doing pretty well in school again…

    Out of curiosity, did you then manage to go to college/graduate etc?

    • Thank you for taking a gander, Benjy! I appreciate it! Doing well in school after two years – that’s pretty amazing, I have to say. Bravo!

      To answer your question, I decided to go to college less than a year after I was diagnosed, and I managed to will my way through a good 2 1/2 years with a decent GPA before it basically fell apart and I decided to withdraw. I started off as premed with the intention of specializing in psychiatry, but that changed to a psychology major.

      I hope to go back and finish, but I don’t know what I want my degree to be in yet, and money is an issue as well.

      • Going back to school I did not know what to expect. I just don’t pull all-nighters like some of my classmates and I try to be more productive on my up-days to compensate for my low-days.

        I often tell myself that I have a ‘mood disorder’ and not a lack of intelligence. I guess we all just have to keep the faith and hope for the best

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