It’s hard to describe how I “got over” or “recovered from” my two breaks, because those words don’t do justice to what’s involved with completely losing one’s mind. It’s a process, though, that’s for sure.
One piece is to learn not to ignore the breaks themselves and not to obsess about them. Ignoring them without processing them or testing them against everyday life and reality will make them grow worse. Obsessing, on the other hand, will keep me from moving on and being able to separate my breaks from my everyday life.
Another piece is that I don’t want to discount everything I experienced as just something of the mind. Conversely, I don’t want to hold everything I saw as absolutely true in real life. Approaching either extreme will cause great anguish and confusion.
In all things, have realistic expectations.
During my first break, I had crazy beliefs about the people around me. When I tested these beliefs against reality and everyday life, they did not hold up and my delusions began to break down.
Also, It’s hard to talk to people you have half-delusions about after coming back from a psychotic break. Talking with people I knew I could trust was very helpful in clearing up some of my delusions about people.
Some pieces of my breaks took a few years to unravel. An obsession over a certain girl was one of them. That took a 2nd psychotic break to undo the delusions there that happened, 5 years after my first one.
What of the other pieces? I look up into the sky and see a most beautiful spectacle. There are missing pieces which hide the most vital parts that bring everything together. I hold several of the pieces in my hand.
I then live every day outwardly as though I am ignorant. Inwardly, I spend some time in my private life figuring out how these pieces fit, both alone and with close friends.
The pieces I still hold in my hand are the cream of my own little world. The challenge to fill in the gaps will never end till after I die. While my psychotic breaks were fundamentally the harshest things I’ve had to deal with, they are also my greatest gems.
2 thoughts on “Psychotic Gems”
I agree with you that sometimes the hardest lessons in life can really unravel some things about ourselves that we weren’t totally able to see immediately. It’s so amazing to me how you can actually come out of it almost as if you were blind before. When the light bulb finally turns on, we’re no longer in the subconscious dark. And it’s so very true, that we often need trustworthy friends to help us find out what reality looks like.
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Thanks. I want to add that all of it is always worth the cost, even though at times I was convinced it wasn’t. That’s when it’s important to lean on friends, family, and loved ones for strength. I believe God is there as well and God understands that I need more than just him. I need people. I need answers. In time, I got both.
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