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Where is my inner joy? This question posed strongly at the end of my meditation this morning, and I felt the strong need to reflect and gather my thoughts on that question. I feel too dependent on other people and on material things to give me joy. It scares me. What I am wondering, is how I generate my inner joy on my own? Where do I turn?

Other material things? This is not an option because they are a dead end. I’ve relied on material things and it’s just another addiction process.

What about religion? Even when I was at the height of my Christian self, I still was not finding inner joy. It was more like anesthesia for the pain in my soul I had. Not until I went through my first break and was cut off from God for a long time was I able to effectively begin to find myself, and my inner joy. However, God came back and fixed my heart in my second break. That was a beautiful experience that is a strong rope holding me to my Christian beliefs and principles somewhat. I recognize a higher power, but not within the confines of traditional religion.

What about pursuing knowledge and wisdom? Doing just this is important, but does not bring inner joy to the surface by itself.

Romantic love? This is a double edged sword. I’m a romantic, to the max. But this is not the inner joy I seek, even though it’s a very big part of it. Never rely on one person to make you happy.

Jesus? I know I mentioned religion. I mean him in a spiritual sense. There is power in his name, the reference to his blood, and to the cross. Jesus was in touch with what kind of world this is, and he was in touch with whatever is out there. He did what he had to do to fulfill whatever purpose he had, and his spirit is present everywhere now. Is Jesus a source of joy in the strictly religious sense? For me, no. But he is in a spiritual sense.

All things considered, something tells me there is no joy without the presence or memories of other people and things. Everything helps with finding inner joy, as long as you don’t overdo anything. Everything must be pursued in moderation, with balance. We are wired like our Maker, and the universe; we can’t be alone with nothing, or there is no inner joy to be had.

I live in finding my purpose and living it in love with other people, in all things big and small. That is my true inner joy.